BOTA - VAMPIRES VS. WEREWOLVES

BATTLE OF THE ARCHETYPES
MONSTER DIVISION

VAMPIRES VS. WEREWOLVES

Judge: It isn't Halloween, but this face-off is one of the most important debates of our time. I'm talking, of course, about vampires and werewolves, our match up in the Monster Division. Both are formidable supernatural killers, born out of classic films, stories, and legends, and they've even gone toe to toe in newer movies like Underworld. Today we settle the debate - which one is better? On the side of the vampires we have Jarko Grimwood, and on the side of the werewolves we have Fang.

Vampires: Nice name, idiot.

Werewolves: Oh yeah, like "Jarko Grimwood" is so fucking great.

J: Gentlemen, please. The opening statement goes to the vampires -

W: What? Why the hell are we doing that? I should go first!

J: We go in alphabetical order.

W: This is so obviously fixed.

J: Be quiet. Vampires, your opening statement?

V: Thank you. First of all, it can't be denied that we, the vampires, are cool. Vampires are bad asses. We stay up all night, wear black, play by our own rules, and don't take shit from anybody. We're like immortal Johnny Cashes - only with blood instead of the pills.

J: A strong opening. Reply from the werewolves?

W: You bastards are so full of yourself. That's one of your major problems - you're arrogant. You're nowhere near as great as you think you are. I mean, for "immortals," vampires are pretty easy to kill. A stake through the heart, a cross, some holy water - the sun, for fuck's sake? Yeah, you're real badasses - just don't open the curtain or you'll burst into flames!

V: Whoa, you guys aren't exactly invulnerable either!

W: Yeah - silver bullets suck for us, sure - but at least we can eat a piece of god damn garlic bread.

J: Ouch! Nicely done - a definite point for the werewolves. Back to you, Mr. Grimwood.

V: Alright, you want to talk about weaknesses? Vampires are powerful 365 days a year -

W: Nights, technically.

V: Shut up. Whenever we want, we can drink blood, turn into bats, or hypnotize people. You guys? You're slaves to the moon. When it isn't "that time of the month" you're just people. Sure, the wolf-man is scary, but he's just "Larry Talbot" most of the time. Lame.

J: A definite drawback for your side, Fang.

W: Well, first off, most newer media has gotten rid of the whole moon thing, so it's not as big of an anchor as it once was. And, secondly, what do you vampires DO with all this time you have being immortal and powerful and dangerous? You brood. You sulk. You fucking pout. You mopey-ass blood-sippers could be out there every night preying on the weak, and instead you just cry about some lost love. We tear out throats with our teach while you watch movies because that's the only way you "can ever see the sunrise." Jesus, vampires - you're breaking my heart.

J: A final remark from the vampires?

V: You think you people are scary? You think you know what violence is? Please. I'll tell you who knows about violence - Vlad Dracula, the man who inspired Bram Stoker's book. Vlad was known as "Vlad the Impaler" because he IMPALED people. And you know what? You don't get a name like that from just doing something once. William the Conquerer didn't just conquer one guy. Vlad impaled thousands of people, terrorized and tortured anyone who opposed him, and made one enemy read his own funeral oration as he knelt before his own open grave about to be executed. You don't mess with Dracula.

J: Wow - a very tough argument to counter. Werewolves - final point?

W:

V: Shit.

J: Victory for the werewolves! Thank you for your time, gentlemen. The werewolves advance to round two. Up next - the Sci-Fi Division faceoff between the aliens and the robots!