BOTA - COPS VS. THIEVES

BATTLE OF THE ARCHETYPES
CRIME DIVISION

COPS VS. THIEVES


Judges: Today we settle the most classic of all matchups - cops vs. thieves! From the childhood days of cops and robbers to about fifty movies every year, this face-off is probably the most examined of all that we will feature. Representing the cops we have Dignam from "The Departed."


Cops: Thanks for the invite, chief.


J: And for the thieves we have Thaddeus Q. Featherstein, better known to all of you as The Hamburglar.


Thieves: That's doctor, my dear boy.


J: Oh, I'm sorry. What's your doctorate in?


T: Why hamburglaring, of course!


J: Ah, yes. Dignam, the first statement is for the cops.


C: 10-4, ace. The police are the thin blue line between civilization and anarchy. We are the glue that keeps society together. We are the good guys - the goodest god damn guys around. We defend law and order. We make it possible for you to sit on your fat asses and live a life of comfort. You all need us.


J: What do you think of that, Doctor?


T: Poppycock! Thievery is the oldest profession, and it is an expression of mankind's basest urge - to take! To possess! You "police" are nothing more than the arm of the fascist state oppressing the pure desires of the people!


C: And by that you mean stealing hamburgers?


T: Stealing anything, my boy! Nothing is more honest than the act of thievery! What I want, I attempt to possess - I do not pretend that I do not want this thing. I do not scold myself that such "wanting" is somehow wrong. My "want" becomes an "act" with no interference! That is what it means to be truly human!


J: Damn. That doctorate in Hamburglaring is really showing though. Dignam, you've got your work cut out for you.


C: This guy is a greedy bastard, and he's full of shit, just like all thieves. I can prove the superiority of cops by citing the movie "Heat." Robert DeNiro as a master thief, and Al Pacino as an obsessed and dedicated cop. A classic of the crime genre. Who wins? The cop. Why? Because the cop is on the right side. If he screws up, he can get another chance - the system helps him out. But if a thief makes a mistake, they're done. One wrong step and they're in jail. No one can be perfect and mistake-free forever - so you lousy thieves are always at a disadvantage.


J: Good movie, good point.


T: Rubbish! It is because we who are outside the law are constantly challenged that proves we are greater! Only the best thieves have the chance to steal more than once! The weak fail and are swept away - only the skillful survive!


J: This is a really close one, guys. Tell you what - we're going to have to go to a Lightning Round tie-breaker. Throw out some examples of your team, and we'll see who comes out ahead. Dignam?


C: Dirty Harry.


T: The Reservoir Dogs.


C: Robo-Cop.


T: Robin Hood.


C: Sipowicz from NYPD Blue.


T: Carmen Sandiego.


C: Johnny Utah, Keanu Reeves' character from "Point Break". A cop AND a surfer!


T: The Grinch, thief of Christmas!


C: Jean-Claude Van Damme - he's a cop of TIME!


T: Prometheus, the man who stole fire from the gods!


C: Uh - Tango and Cash?


T: Ridiculous! Billy Ocean and the rest of "Ocean's 11"!


J: And that is it! Game over! This was almost too close to call, but it's hard to argue with a team that has Robin Hood, Prometheus, and Mr. Pink. This match goes to the thieves!


C: You're promoting public delinquency. I'm going to have to write you up. Right after I finish this delicious hamburger...


T: Yoink!


C: Hey! Come back here with that!


T: Robble robble robble!


J: Well, hell. He just burgaled the heck out of that hamburger.