BOTA - ORCS VS. ZOMBIES

BATTLE OF THE ARCHETYPES
HORDE DIVISION

ORCS VS. ZOMBIES

Judge: When building an army, an evil overlord has two basic options. First, there's the Horde: orcs, goblins, trolls, and similar Lord of the Rings monsters. If those don't suit you, though, you can always go with the undead option: zombies lead the way here, but we shouldn't forget skeletons, ghosts, and similar ghoulish things. Representing the Horde is Guzzlegut Rusttooth.

Orcs: RARGH! I'm ready for BLOOD!

J: And for the Zombies we have the reanimated corpse of Mr. Christopher Baxter.

Zombies: Urrrrrrrgh...brains....brains!

J: Uh oh. Is that all you can say?

Z: Brains! Brai- nah, I'm just screwing with you. How's it going?

J: Good, good. Guzzlegut, the opening statement for the Horde?

Z: Wait - why does he get to go first?

J: We do it alphabetically around here.

Z: Ah hell. Zombies always get the shaft alphabetically. Alright, go for it, man.

O: Rargh! We are strong and fierce! We will cut and smash and destroy! Man or elf or dwarf or halfling - all will fall! Blood will stain the ground!

Z: I see what you're saying, but we zombies...we don't really bleed. We kind of ooze, if that helps. And if you can destroy our brain, we're pretty useless.

J: Um, Chris? You're being a little too helpful. This is supposed to be a debate.

Z: Oh, right. Sorry man.

J: It's okay. Do you have anything you'd like to offer as an argument for the Undead?

Z: Right, right. Uh, okay....um...zombies are, like...we're cool, you know? We're all about hanging out, and having a good time.

J: But don't you guys eat people's brains?

Z: Well, yeah, a bit. Sometimes. But who cares? Is that a crime?

J: Well, actually -

O: Quiet! Humans are weak and worthless, living or dead! Rotting corpses can't stand before the fists, fire, and ferocity of the Horde!

J: Alliteration bonus points! Zombies, you're falling way behind.

Z: No worries, my brother. We're a patient people. The longer we wait, the more people show up to join the zombie party, you know?

J: That's true. Good point - time always seems to be on the side of the undead.

Z: That's what I'm saying, totally.

O: Rargh! This is a waste of time! It doesn't matter how many of these creatures stand before the Horde - they will all be crushed!

Z: Dude, don't be a jerk. I didn't want to bring it up, but everyone knows zombies are way cooler than you guys. How many orc movies are there? Just Lord of the Rings. For the zombies? Shit, man - there've been hundreds! Night, Dawn, Day, and Land of the Dead, Return of the Living Dead and all its freaking sequels, 28 Days Later-

J: We're not counting that one. No fast zombies.

Z: -Whatever. I don't trust those dudes anyway, they're way too hyper. But still, a lot more zombie movies than orc movies! Checkmate, asshole!

O: Rargh! *CHOP!*

Z: Not cool, man. It's such a pain in the ass to get an arm reatached. You're being a jerk.

J: Yeah, that's really not keeping with the spirit of our respectful debate, Mr. Rusttooth.

O: Your rules don't bind me, human! Nothing stands before the Horde!

Elves: Are we early?

Dwarfs: The e-mail said 3:00.

J: Oh, sorry guys. We're just running a little behind. It took a while to mop up after the Samurai got killed. We're still on Zombies vs. Orcs.

D: Orcs, ye say?

E: How very interesting. Orcs.

D: Who is winning?

J: It's still undecided.

O: He lies! The orcs are far ahead!

E: Well. I don't know if I'm okay with that.

D: Me neither. I think I may have a problem with that.

J: Gentlemen, please, wait your turn.

O: Quiet, human! I am not afraid! Come and meat death! Rargh!

J: Oh, christ.

D: *SLICE*
E: *STAB*

O: Urgh...

Z: Whoa, man. Harsh.

J: Well, he's dead, so I guess zombies win by default.

Z: Alright!

J: So the zombies move on. We're going to have to review the ground rules with the rest of our contestants - no murdering is rule number one, people, read the e-mail. After a brief break, we'll be back with the Fantasy Face-off: Elves vs. Dwarfs!