BOTA - COWBOYS VS. KNIGHTS

BATTLE OF THE ARCHETYPES
HISTORY DIVISION

COWBOYS VS. KNIGHTS

Judge: Our next face-off is not as obvious as some of the others in our tournament, but when you take a look at the world of movies you find these two figures showing up again and again - the cowboy and the knight. Cowboys - rebellious renegades riding the range, and knights - brave battlers...um...building? No...bearing, boxing, breaking...hmmm...

Knights: My lord, may we please get on with this?

J: Alright, alright - representing the knights we have Sir Lionel, one of the Knights of the Round Table, and on the side of the cowboys we're lucky enough to have with us Mr. John Henry "Doc" Holliday!

Cowboys: Howdy.

J: The first statement is yours, Mr. Holliday.

C: Is that right? Okay. My opening statement? Guns. Your move.

J: Your response, Sir Lionel?

K: Is that the best you can do, knave? Point out that you are too much of a coward to stand toe-to-toe with an enemy? I never needed anything other than my sword to defeat my foes - I was stained with the blood of those who would prey on the weak or the innocent! Your use of guns simply shows that you have no honor, sir. And furthermore - wait, wait - are you drinking right now?

C: That's how it looks to me.

K: Have you no shame, sir?

C: Nope.

K: This "debate" is already over - this man is a despicable wretch!

C: Just you wait, partner - I have not yet begun to defile myself.

K: You, sir, are a criminal, a sinner, and a cur. You waste your time with alcohol and gambling while my brothers and I engage in heroic jousts. This contest is beneath me. In a true fight, you wouldn't stand a chance.

C: I'll duel with you - just say when to draw.

J: Whoa whoa - hold on there, guys. This is just a debate, okay? An argument. No actual fighting, please.

C: Well I think that's just dandy.

K: Fine. After this is over, I'll challenge you on my own terms!

C: I think we've gotten off on the wrong foot, Lionel - and I want us to be friends. Why, if I didn't think we were friends, I don't think I could bear it.

K: Please, advance your argument or stop talking.

J: Yeah, I'm sorry Mr. Holliday, but I'm going to have to insist that you make another argument for the cowboys.

C: I can do that - me and my kind, we're all about independence. We don't need homes, we don't need the law, we don't need anybody but ourselves. Knights stand for nothing except blind obedience to authority.

K: Again, sir, you show your ignorance. Knights are about honor, glory, and chivalry! We protect the weak and defend our lands against invaders! Who are your great cowboy heroes - Wild Bill, Jesse James, Wyatt Earp - nothing but murderers and degenerates out for their own self-interest. We knights have King Arthur, who wielded Excalibur, Saint George, who killed a dragon -

C: Now, don't you be forgetting Sir Elton John. He's a knight too. And Bono.

K: Be quiet, knave! It's my turn to speak! We also have within our ranks great fighters and brave men from the world of films, like Madmartigan from "Willow." And there is also Aragorn, who -

C: Well hold on one moment there, you dandy. Judge!

J: Yes?

C: What's with all this bull that he's spouting, here? Those men he mentioned aren't knights!

K: How dare you? Those men are both excellent swordsmen who live by a code of honor-

C: So? Any man who waves around a blade and doesn't rob people is all of a sudden a knight? Does that mean I get to count anyone with a gun on my side? Do we get Robocop?

J: No, actually, he's already on two teams - the robots and the cops. But you have point, Mr. Holliday. Knights, I'll give you Aragorn, but just in the third movie. And no dude from Willow.

K: Bah! Fine! Just look at the state of your "independent" cowboys today - nothing but idiotic country singers and soulless cigarette spokesmen.

C: And you knights are played in movies by Orlando Bloom.

J: Very nice! That's five points for the cowboys due to the Orlando Bloom rule! Final thoughts, gentlemen?

K: Indeed. A win for the knights is a win for courage, honor, and gentlemanly combat! Huzzah!

C: Your fancy talk makes you sound like a fairy.

K: Sir! I am no fairy! I have killed dozens of men in armed combat!

C: Did any of them have a gun? 'Cause I do. And I'm so damned fast I can wake up at six, rob a stage coach, play ten hands of poker, and then shoot the hands off the clock before it finishes chiming. Want to try me?

J: That's it, guys. I'm going to have to end it there. I'm calling this thing - victory for the cowboys.

K: This is an outrage!

C: Maybe debating just isn't your thing. I know - let's have a drinking contest!

J: Sorry Sir Lionel. Rebellion and independence beat order and obedience, and even though knights were probably a lot braver, there isn't much that's cooler than a showdown at high-noon between two men who are quick on the draw. That's it for this face-off. Let's all ride off into the sunset, shall we?