BOTA - COWBOYS VS. KNIGHTS

BATTLE OF THE ARCHETYPES
HISTORY DIVISION

COWBOYS VS. KNIGHTS

Judge: Our next face-off is not as obvious as some of the others in our tournament, but when you take a look at the world of movies you find these two figures showing up again and again - the cowboy and the knight. Cowboys - rebellious renegades riding the range, and knights - brave battlers...um...building? No...bearing, boxing, breaking...hmmm...

Knights: My lord, may we please get on with this?

J: Alright, alright - representing the knights we have Sir Lionel, one of the Knights of the Round Table, and on the side of the cowboys we're lucky enough to have with us Mr. John Henry "Doc" Holliday!

Cowboys: Howdy.

J: The first statement is yours, Mr. Holliday.

C: Is that right? Okay. My opening statement? Guns. Your move.

J: Your response, Sir Lionel?

K: Is that the best you can do, knave? Point out that you are too much of a coward to stand toe-to-toe with an enemy? I never needed anything other than my sword to defeat my foes - I was stained with the blood of those who would prey on the weak or the innocent! Your use of guns simply shows that you have no honor, sir. And furthermore - wait, wait - are you drinking right now?

C: That's how it looks to me.

K: Have you no shame, sir?

C: Nope.

K: This "debate" is already over - this man is a despicable wretch!

C: Just you wait, partner - I have not yet begun to defile myself.

K: You, sir, are a criminal, a sinner, and a cur. You waste your time with alcohol and gambling while my brothers and I engage in heroic jousts. This contest is beneath me. In a true fight, you wouldn't stand a chance.

C: I'll duel with you - just say when to draw.

J: Whoa whoa - hold on there, guys. This is just a debate, okay? An argument. No actual fighting, please.

C: Well I think that's just dandy.

K: Fine. After this is over, I'll challenge you on my own terms!

C: I think we've gotten off on the wrong foot, Lionel - and I want us to be friends. Why, if I didn't think we were friends, I don't think I could bear it.

K: Please, advance your argument or stop talking.

J: Yeah, I'm sorry Mr. Holliday, but I'm going to have to insist that you make another argument for the cowboys.

C: I can do that - me and my kind, we're all about independence. We don't need homes, we don't need the law, we don't need anybody but ourselves. Knights stand for nothing except blind obedience to authority.

K: Again, sir, you show your ignorance. Knights are about honor, glory, and chivalry! We protect the weak and defend our lands against invaders! Who are your great cowboy heroes - Wild Bill, Jesse James, Wyatt Earp - nothing but murderers and degenerates out for their own self-interest. We knights have King Arthur, who wielded Excalibur, Saint George, who killed a dragon -

C: Now, don't you be forgetting Sir Elton John. He's a knight too. And Bono.

K: Be quiet, knave! It's my turn to speak! We also have within our ranks great fighters and brave men from the world of films, like Madmartigan from "Willow." And there is also Aragorn, who -

C: Well hold on one moment there, you dandy. Judge!

J: Yes?

C: What's with all this bull that he's spouting, here? Those men he mentioned aren't knights!

K: How dare you? Those men are both excellent swordsmen who live by a code of honor-

C: So? Any man who waves around a blade and doesn't rob people is all of a sudden a knight? Does that mean I get to count anyone with a gun on my side? Do we get Robocop?

J: No, actually, he's already on two teams - the robots and the cops. But you have point, Mr. Holliday. Knights, I'll give you Aragorn, but just in the third movie. And no dude from Willow.

K: Bah! Fine! Just look at the state of your "independent" cowboys today - nothing but idiotic country singers and soulless cigarette spokesmen.

C: And you knights are played in movies by Orlando Bloom.

J: Very nice! That's five points for the cowboys due to the Orlando Bloom rule! Final thoughts, gentlemen?

K: Indeed. A win for the knights is a win for courage, honor, and gentlemanly combat! Huzzah!

C: Your fancy talk makes you sound like a fairy.

K: Sir! I am no fairy! I have killed dozens of men in armed combat!

C: Did any of them have a gun? 'Cause I do. And I'm so damned fast I can wake up at six, rob a stage coach, play ten hands of poker, and then shoot the hands off the clock before it finishes chiming. Want to try me?

J: That's it, guys. I'm going to have to end it there. I'm calling this thing - victory for the cowboys.

K: This is an outrage!

C: Maybe debating just isn't your thing. I know - let's have a drinking contest!

J: Sorry Sir Lionel. Rebellion and independence beat order and obedience, and even though knights were probably a lot braver, there isn't much that's cooler than a showdown at high-noon between two men who are quick on the draw. That's it for this face-off. Let's all ride off into the sunset, shall we?

BOTA - COPS VS. THIEVES

BATTLE OF THE ARCHETYPES
CRIME DIVISION

COPS VS. THIEVES


Judges: Today we settle the most classic of all matchups - cops vs. thieves! From the childhood days of cops and robbers to about fifty movies every year, this face-off is probably the most examined of all that we will feature. Representing the cops we have Dignam from "The Departed."


Cops: Thanks for the invite, chief.


J: And for the thieves we have Thaddeus Q. Featherstein, better known to all of you as The Hamburglar.


Thieves: That's doctor, my dear boy.


J: Oh, I'm sorry. What's your doctorate in?


T: Why hamburglaring, of course!


J: Ah, yes. Dignam, the first statement is for the cops.


C: 10-4, ace. The police are the thin blue line between civilization and anarchy. We are the glue that keeps society together. We are the good guys - the goodest god damn guys around. We defend law and order. We make it possible for you to sit on your fat asses and live a life of comfort. You all need us.


J: What do you think of that, Doctor?


T: Poppycock! Thievery is the oldest profession, and it is an expression of mankind's basest urge - to take! To possess! You "police" are nothing more than the arm of the fascist state oppressing the pure desires of the people!


C: And by that you mean stealing hamburgers?


T: Stealing anything, my boy! Nothing is more honest than the act of thievery! What I want, I attempt to possess - I do not pretend that I do not want this thing. I do not scold myself that such "wanting" is somehow wrong. My "want" becomes an "act" with no interference! That is what it means to be truly human!


J: Damn. That doctorate in Hamburglaring is really showing though. Dignam, you've got your work cut out for you.


C: This guy is a greedy bastard, and he's full of shit, just like all thieves. I can prove the superiority of cops by citing the movie "Heat." Robert DeNiro as a master thief, and Al Pacino as an obsessed and dedicated cop. A classic of the crime genre. Who wins? The cop. Why? Because the cop is on the right side. If he screws up, he can get another chance - the system helps him out. But if a thief makes a mistake, they're done. One wrong step and they're in jail. No one can be perfect and mistake-free forever - so you lousy thieves are always at a disadvantage.


J: Good movie, good point.


T: Rubbish! It is because we who are outside the law are constantly challenged that proves we are greater! Only the best thieves have the chance to steal more than once! The weak fail and are swept away - only the skillful survive!


J: This is a really close one, guys. Tell you what - we're going to have to go to a Lightning Round tie-breaker. Throw out some examples of your team, and we'll see who comes out ahead. Dignam?


C: Dirty Harry.


T: The Reservoir Dogs.


C: Robo-Cop.


T: Robin Hood.


C: Sipowicz from NYPD Blue.


T: Carmen Sandiego.


C: Johnny Utah, Keanu Reeves' character from "Point Break". A cop AND a surfer!


T: The Grinch, thief of Christmas!


C: Jean-Claude Van Damme - he's a cop of TIME!


T: Prometheus, the man who stole fire from the gods!


C: Uh - Tango and Cash?


T: Ridiculous! Billy Ocean and the rest of "Ocean's 11"!


J: And that is it! Game over! This was almost too close to call, but it's hard to argue with a team that has Robin Hood, Prometheus, and Mr. Pink. This match goes to the thieves!


C: You're promoting public delinquency. I'm going to have to write you up. Right after I finish this delicious hamburger...


T: Yoink!


C: Hey! Come back here with that!


T: Robble robble robble!


J: Well, hell. He just burgaled the heck out of that hamburger.