Orange Rhymes with Sucks

As a loyal Sharks fan in exile deep in DucKing territory, the image of my home team is very important to me. I have many fond memories of riding the train from my home town in the Bay Area to the arena for a game. Amidst the normal assortment of train riders – college students, drunks, and guys who just got out of prison for robbing a bank and don’t want to buy a knife from another guy on the train (long story) – were a few good souls proudly displaying their chosen uniform - teal. Since the Sharks let go of their original jerseys (which, no debate, sucked ass), they’ve had an edgy, stylish look that has served them well. Every game in San Jose the arena is a sea of cool (in temperature and in awesomeness) colors: teal, silver, and black. They had an identity and a color-scheme that stood out in the league, and I loved it.

I’m not here to complain about the new logo. It’s fine. It’s a mean Shark biting a stick, so they kept the spirit of the original. What does concern me, however, are all the rumors that have been going around about the new jerseys making a much bigger deal of something that’s thankfully been a minor part of Sharks history thus far – orange. The Sharks have always had a touch of orange in their logo, and the updated version emphasized it a little bit, which was fine. It’s never been on their jerseys before, and so orange and me got along fine. I was ready to dismiss the rumors about the new orange jersey until I saw pictures of the Sharks players at last weekend’s pacific division tournament:





They’re wearing the old uniforms, but the pants and gloves they’ll use this season. Do you see what I see? Did your heart just sink out of your ass? Yeah, me too. There’s an awful lot of ORANGE on those accessories. So much orange that it would look quite strange if there wasn’t a good amount of it on the new jerseys.

I am anxious. I am nauseous. I am filled with fear and loathing.

Color-wise, the team will still stand out from the pack - just like the dude at the party with the lampshade on his head. If I do something drastic Monday when the team unveils the new jerseys, let this be a record of what drove me to it – the cursed color orange.

Bonus artist's conception of the new jerseys here!

BOTA - ORCS VS. ZOMBIES

BATTLE OF THE ARCHETYPES
HORDE DIVISION

ORCS VS. ZOMBIES

Judge: When building an army, an evil overlord has two basic options. First, there's the Horde: orcs, goblins, trolls, and similar Lord of the Rings monsters. If those don't suit you, though, you can always go with the undead option: zombies lead the way here, but we shouldn't forget skeletons, ghosts, and similar ghoulish things. Representing the Horde is Guzzlegut Rusttooth.

Orcs: RARGH! I'm ready for BLOOD!

J: And for the Zombies we have the reanimated corpse of Mr. Christopher Baxter.

Zombies: Urrrrrrrgh...brains....brains!

J: Uh oh. Is that all you can say?

Z: Brains! Brai- nah, I'm just screwing with you. How's it going?

J: Good, good. Guzzlegut, the opening statement for the Horde?

Z: Wait - why does he get to go first?

J: We do it alphabetically around here.

Z: Ah hell. Zombies always get the shaft alphabetically. Alright, go for it, man.

O: Rargh! We are strong and fierce! We will cut and smash and destroy! Man or elf or dwarf or halfling - all will fall! Blood will stain the ground!

Z: I see what you're saying, but we zombies...we don't really bleed. We kind of ooze, if that helps. And if you can destroy our brain, we're pretty useless.

J: Um, Chris? You're being a little too helpful. This is supposed to be a debate.

Z: Oh, right. Sorry man.

J: It's okay. Do you have anything you'd like to offer as an argument for the Undead?

Z: Right, right. Uh, okay....um...zombies are, like...we're cool, you know? We're all about hanging out, and having a good time.

J: But don't you guys eat people's brains?

Z: Well, yeah, a bit. Sometimes. But who cares? Is that a crime?

J: Well, actually -

O: Quiet! Humans are weak and worthless, living or dead! Rotting corpses can't stand before the fists, fire, and ferocity of the Horde!

J: Alliteration bonus points! Zombies, you're falling way behind.

Z: No worries, my brother. We're a patient people. The longer we wait, the more people show up to join the zombie party, you know?

J: That's true. Good point - time always seems to be on the side of the undead.

Z: That's what I'm saying, totally.

O: Rargh! This is a waste of time! It doesn't matter how many of these creatures stand before the Horde - they will all be crushed!

Z: Dude, don't be a jerk. I didn't want to bring it up, but everyone knows zombies are way cooler than you guys. How many orc movies are there? Just Lord of the Rings. For the zombies? Shit, man - there've been hundreds! Night, Dawn, Day, and Land of the Dead, Return of the Living Dead and all its freaking sequels, 28 Days Later-

J: We're not counting that one. No fast zombies.

Z: -Whatever. I don't trust those dudes anyway, they're way too hyper. But still, a lot more zombie movies than orc movies! Checkmate, asshole!

O: Rargh! *CHOP!*

Z: Not cool, man. It's such a pain in the ass to get an arm reatached. You're being a jerk.

J: Yeah, that's really not keeping with the spirit of our respectful debate, Mr. Rusttooth.

O: Your rules don't bind me, human! Nothing stands before the Horde!

Elves: Are we early?

Dwarfs: The e-mail said 3:00.

J: Oh, sorry guys. We're just running a little behind. It took a while to mop up after the Samurai got killed. We're still on Zombies vs. Orcs.

D: Orcs, ye say?

E: How very interesting. Orcs.

D: Who is winning?

J: It's still undecided.

O: He lies! The orcs are far ahead!

E: Well. I don't know if I'm okay with that.

D: Me neither. I think I may have a problem with that.

J: Gentlemen, please, wait your turn.

O: Quiet, human! I am not afraid! Come and meat death! Rargh!

J: Oh, christ.

D: *SLICE*
E: *STAB*

O: Urgh...

Z: Whoa, man. Harsh.

J: Well, he's dead, so I guess zombies win by default.

Z: Alright!

J: So the zombies move on. We're going to have to review the ground rules with the rest of our contestants - no murdering is rule number one, people, read the e-mail. After a brief break, we'll be back with the Fantasy Face-off: Elves vs. Dwarfs!

BOTA - COWBOYS VS. KNIGHTS

BATTLE OF THE ARCHETYPES
HISTORY DIVISION

COWBOYS VS. KNIGHTS

Judge: Our next face-off is not as obvious as some of the others in our tournament, but when you take a look at the world of movies you find these two figures showing up again and again - the cowboy and the knight. Cowboys - rebellious renegades riding the range, and knights - brave battlers...um...building? No...bearing, boxing, breaking...hmmm...

Knights: My lord, may we please get on with this?

J: Alright, alright - representing the knights we have Sir Lionel, one of the Knights of the Round Table, and on the side of the cowboys we're lucky enough to have with us Mr. John Henry "Doc" Holliday!

Cowboys: Howdy.

J: The first statement is yours, Mr. Holliday.

C: Is that right? Okay. My opening statement? Guns. Your move.

J: Your response, Sir Lionel?

K: Is that the best you can do, knave? Point out that you are too much of a coward to stand toe-to-toe with an enemy? I never needed anything other than my sword to defeat my foes - I was stained with the blood of those who would prey on the weak or the innocent! Your use of guns simply shows that you have no honor, sir. And furthermore - wait, wait - are you drinking right now?

C: That's how it looks to me.

K: Have you no shame, sir?

C: Nope.

K: This "debate" is already over - this man is a despicable wretch!

C: Just you wait, partner - I have not yet begun to defile myself.

K: You, sir, are a criminal, a sinner, and a cur. You waste your time with alcohol and gambling while my brothers and I engage in heroic jousts. This contest is beneath me. In a true fight, you wouldn't stand a chance.

C: I'll duel with you - just say when to draw.

J: Whoa whoa - hold on there, guys. This is just a debate, okay? An argument. No actual fighting, please.

C: Well I think that's just dandy.

K: Fine. After this is over, I'll challenge you on my own terms!

C: I think we've gotten off on the wrong foot, Lionel - and I want us to be friends. Why, if I didn't think we were friends, I don't think I could bear it.

K: Please, advance your argument or stop talking.

J: Yeah, I'm sorry Mr. Holliday, but I'm going to have to insist that you make another argument for the cowboys.

C: I can do that - me and my kind, we're all about independence. We don't need homes, we don't need the law, we don't need anybody but ourselves. Knights stand for nothing except blind obedience to authority.

K: Again, sir, you show your ignorance. Knights are about honor, glory, and chivalry! We protect the weak and defend our lands against invaders! Who are your great cowboy heroes - Wild Bill, Jesse James, Wyatt Earp - nothing but murderers and degenerates out for their own self-interest. We knights have King Arthur, who wielded Excalibur, Saint George, who killed a dragon -

C: Now, don't you be forgetting Sir Elton John. He's a knight too. And Bono.

K: Be quiet, knave! It's my turn to speak! We also have within our ranks great fighters and brave men from the world of films, like Madmartigan from "Willow." And there is also Aragorn, who -

C: Well hold on one moment there, you dandy. Judge!

J: Yes?

C: What's with all this bull that he's spouting, here? Those men he mentioned aren't knights!

K: How dare you? Those men are both excellent swordsmen who live by a code of honor-

C: So? Any man who waves around a blade and doesn't rob people is all of a sudden a knight? Does that mean I get to count anyone with a gun on my side? Do we get Robocop?

J: No, actually, he's already on two teams - the robots and the cops. But you have point, Mr. Holliday. Knights, I'll give you Aragorn, but just in the third movie. And no dude from Willow.

K: Bah! Fine! Just look at the state of your "independent" cowboys today - nothing but idiotic country singers and soulless cigarette spokesmen.

C: And you knights are played in movies by Orlando Bloom.

J: Very nice! That's five points for the cowboys due to the Orlando Bloom rule! Final thoughts, gentlemen?

K: Indeed. A win for the knights is a win for courage, honor, and gentlemanly combat! Huzzah!

C: Your fancy talk makes you sound like a fairy.

K: Sir! I am no fairy! I have killed dozens of men in armed combat!

C: Did any of them have a gun? 'Cause I do. And I'm so damned fast I can wake up at six, rob a stage coach, play ten hands of poker, and then shoot the hands off the clock before it finishes chiming. Want to try me?

J: That's it, guys. I'm going to have to end it there. I'm calling this thing - victory for the cowboys.

K: This is an outrage!

C: Maybe debating just isn't your thing. I know - let's have a drinking contest!

J: Sorry Sir Lionel. Rebellion and independence beat order and obedience, and even though knights were probably a lot braver, there isn't much that's cooler than a showdown at high-noon between two men who are quick on the draw. That's it for this face-off. Let's all ride off into the sunset, shall we?